I’d have thought finishing exams would cure me of my jumbled emotions. I felt so confused, completely carefree with not one worry for the future, and the third set of my internal examinations just around the corner.
During those weeks, my night became my day, and bed-time became my free time. I stayed up entire nights, days in a row, snuggled under my blankets and watching video after video on youtube. I remember thinking that I acted so irrational because of the stress, and I would be back to normal first thing after exams.
But how wrong was I.
The week following exams I was on edge, finally having time to reflect on what I had done. I had barely studied for an entire set of exams, and now it was going to bite me back in the ass again. I slept better though, and almost enjoyed life, but I still didn’t give one thought to studying.
The next week back at school I received my maths results. 38/60. Horribly sub-par and almost below the average of classes two levels below mine. Definitely the worst I had done since year 7 and the worst in my class. I pat myself on the back sarcastically and reminded myself that I didn’t give a damn about exam scores, they didn’t define me. But deep inside I didn’t believe one word of what I said.
I looked at my class-mate who I usually beat. He scored ten marks above me. He asked me how I did and as casually as possible I say my mark. He laughs and tells me not to kid with him. I show him my mark and his eyes widen with surprise, and consoles me with sympathy. I almost want to vomit at his pity, but I manage to ignore it.
Walking to my next class I feel nervous and vulnerable, seeing people walk past me with their exam papers, seeking out people to ask their marks. One of my friends in the lower classes walks past me. We often competed to see the higher mark and I routinely beat him by far, at the point where I teased him about the differential. Now his mark was ten above mine as well. He seems worried about his score and tells me that he should be able to get two or three marks more, not caring how I would react. I quickly turned and walked away to my next class.
I felt like I couldn’t show my face anywhere after my dismal performance in the exam. My academic future was slipping away and I was, as far as school was concerned, a failure.
Artist- Unknown, Artwork – Unknown