Hello again, these past few days I’ve been in a strange mental state, with anxiety from exams pressing on my back, but also counteracted by a sort of carefree, flamboyant behavior.
I’d liken it to being at the end of a 14km marathon and stopping at the last 100m to get a view of the park’s tall, green trees and feeling the fallen leaves whisk around your ankles. This, amidst a pantheon of spectators made of parents, friends, teachers, school headmasters, and your notion of academic success, all roaring and screaming your name to tell you to keep running.
However you hardly feel the need to take a step. You look back at the long, worn-out track, beaten down by years of thousands upon thousands of students running across, towards the same futile goals of money and success, hoping a high ranking would guarantee a healthy, fulfilled future.
But you have other ideas. You inspect the trees and wonder how long it would be until their lush, emerald leaves would turn to sooty, black dust.
You think about how the entire planet needed some form of ecological revolution and economic reform, before all life forms suffered the same fate of those before them, not more people entangled in pitiable human affairs such as law or accounting or politics.
You also reflect on your ambitions to walk off the road most traveled, and traverse the lands full of unknown darkness and uncertainty, but so rich in experiences, self-discovery, true joy and fulfillment.
You wonder how much longer you must participate in this marathon before your time is up and your opportunities to do anything meaningful in your life, in this world, and for all the people and things you cherish, will have passed you by, silently and mournfully.
So you stand on the marathon track, in a dreamy state of suspended reality, as people, nature and time pass you by. A bulk of students jostle and shove as they make their way to the finish line, streaming past you with no concern.
Yet you sit down, and wonder if you should continue the race, or step off onto the grass.
In other news, I’ve been experimenting with various forms of media and self-expression (one of them being this blog), and most recently the iphone app “Acapella” – a combination of a solo acapella app and social media sharing. Thank you to my brother for lending me his head-phones and my mum for her iphone!
This was very interesting because I had always enjoyed singing, but because of various personal reasons I refrained from doing so, especially around anyone else.
However at 3am in the morning I could be assured no-one would snoop in on me. So I had my little set-up on my bed – my laptop, phone, head-phones – and went about it.
To my surprise I really enjoyed recreating song with just my voice, and despite not being the best vocalist, I relished the opportunity to unchain myself from my self-consciousness, and shake off the deep layers of dust covering the hidden artistic ability and creativity within myself.
I sang Coldplay and a Cantonese song by George Lam, and found that my voice matched quite nicely with their pitch and singing style.
Today I learnt to confide in myself and my abilities, and to ignore whatever perceptions I may think other people have of me. I put on those thick foam head-phones so I could hear nothing but myself, and let forth my self-expression in a confident, clandestine voice.